Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
