I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
