this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
