I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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