Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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