Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
