dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
