When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
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I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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