apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
