My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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