have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
