omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
