when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You are the jesus of drinking
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
True strength comes from lack of pants
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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