he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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