yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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