I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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