The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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