he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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