Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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