just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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