I CAN MOONWALK!
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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