It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
