YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
