is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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