im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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