Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
