The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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