They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
