i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
