i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
