i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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