If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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