I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
