in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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