You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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