Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
