You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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