I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
me + whiskey = a bad person
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
