I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
