im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
