I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
