believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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