i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
