i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
