i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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