No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
