Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
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