well I can't set my house on fire every night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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