So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
