I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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