Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
