While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
